The Pieces of Stress & Anxiety

By Elford Rawls-Dill, Ph.D.

So, I have been stressed the hell out lately. Like, really stressed out. I know, we all have been experiencing so much collective trauma and anxiety lately but I’m here to speak about my own stress. Empathy is important but right now, I need to be selfish. Sorry, I know that doesn’t sound quite right; me, a husband, father, son, brother, educator, friend, and all of that… being selfish. When the world closes in and the walls begin to tighten, where does one turn? We all have our escapes, or do we? Sometimes, like now sometimes, I feel trapped and helpless. Yes, with all of my knowledge of emotional intelligence, conflict resolution, and positive affirmation, I still feel trapped and squeezed by the world.

As I write this, I can hear my son in the background laughing and enjoying his free-time with friends. His laughter, although jovial, does not quell the wrenching feeling of not being “in control” of anxiety and stress. So, where does your stress and anxiety take you? The popular answer might be “the gym” or “yoga”, or even “long walks.” But, what are the unpopular answers? You know, the answers we all have but never actually “give”.  Well, I think it’s important to “keep it real”. The harsh truth is better than falsehood, right? So, rather than hiding behind the mask, I need to talk to my community about the importance of being vulnerable.

Feelings of  inadequacy.  Maybe you never get this feeling, but I will tell you, I have been feeling so inadequate lately. During the last 8 months, my confidence level and overall sense of efficacy has nearly all be diminished. As a husband, father, son, brother, friend, and professional, I have simply felt useless and underwhelming. There was a time that I felt pretty accomplished in these areas but now, I don’t even think myself to be average. Finding moments of feeling “good enough” have been fleeting; I have searched and searched but at this moment, I just can’t seem to find that “feeling” of worth and accomplishment in these areas of my life. Is it ok for me to feel like this? Or, more importantly, is it alright for me to speak on these feelings? I know, I know, I have to be resilient, right? That’s what we all have to be, right?

Resilient

Gritty

Strong

Sometimes, I hate those words. They are always showing up when you least want to see them; they show up in all of those conversations we have with ourselves in the mirror and they usually talk like this: “You got this!” or “God hasn’t brought you this far to allow you to fail.” And then there’s the infamous, “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”

Well, I’m talking about a different approach at his point. An approach of telling the truth about how I feel and why I feel the way I feel. It sounds like the normal thing we all should do, right? But telling the truth about our innermost feelings of self-doubt and emotional weakness is usually the last horse to leave the barn. If you’re like me, you hold onto those thoughts until they fight themselves out into the open like they are doing to me right now.

People love me, I have a support systems, I love myself, and I love those back who love me. But, that does not always excuse or release the feelings of anxiety and stress. So, don’t be so fast to look at a situation from the outside and think you have it figured out and solved. The complexities of our human experiences are not to be underestimated or undervalued. These feelings are things and we must treat them as such. This is not a ploy for anyone to “reach out” but it is a message to all to say, “it’s ok to not be ok.”

So, let’s start by being real about how stressed and afraid we might be. Let us be honest about not being “in control” and “good”. It is alright to be vulnerable and insecure. In fact, it is important to let those feelings find spaces to occupy outside of your mind; the only way to do so, is by being real and not keeping these feelings as prisoners.

– Elford Rawls-Dill, Ph.D. 

– Paul Laurence Dunbar